Of Tingling Toenails and Makeout Sessions
by Solange MacLeod
Summary: Koukuya request crackfic. Insert multiple warnings here.


Of Tingling Toenails and Makeout Sessions  
_By Solange MacLeod_

A/N: We do not know why this was even written in the first place. ...Wait, yes, we do. It's because the authoress of this crack fic told her Koukuya-obsessing, fanfiction-whore friend that she would write her a Koukuya fic in which everyone cameo-d. See? This IS a crack fic; otherwise, Solange would never use the word 'whore' or agree to write this crap. It's called a crackfic for a reason. Just like Crackrocks... Solange should have never given her superior at work those Poprocks... it started something that she doesn't regret. Was that supposed to make sense? Rabbit.

Disclaimers: The quote 'I am Cornholio! I have no bunghole!' does not belong to me. Izumi, Junpei, Kouji, and Takuya do not belong to me. Kihelo and his seme woman girlfriend do not belong to me. Ayame and Axel and the panther girl do not belong to me. Soubi and Ritsuka do not belong to me. Sephiroth and his sword do not belong to me. Napoleon Dynamite and its jokes do not belong to me. Digimon Savers does not belong to me. The pegasus with a dot and swirly eye does not belong to me. My Little Ponies and Fantasy Fillies do not belong to me. The Phantom, Raoul, and Miss Daaé do not belong to me. Sunao and Sora Hashiba do not belong to me. Cid and Vincent Valentine do not belong to me. The fox hostess and Malachai do not belong to me. Lamis does not belong to me. Cabbits do not belong to me. Roy Mustang and Ed Elric do not belong to me. "Twisted Transistor" does not belong to me. Where the Wild Things Are does not belong to me. Tobias kitty does not belong to me. The Life is Good company does not belong to me. Aly and Aby do not belong to me. The Pythagorean Theorem does not belong to me. Zelda, the Lost Children, and the Lost Woods do not belong to me. (No, this is not the fic itself, despite its length.)

Claimers: Kanaye Segador, the rabbit with angel wings (Nameless), and the leopard anthro belong to me.

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"I am Cornholio! I have no bunghole!" Takuya announced to his gathered group of friends. They were in a plothole. Those are nifty things, especially when an OC sorceress uses them to get to her alien foster daughter. What are you looking at me like that for? Go away and write yaoi. You know you want to.

"That sucks. Now you and Kouji can never have sex," Izumi pouted, causing a hermaphrodite with purple and pink bangs to smack her.

"Ow!"

"You're just Izumi in this fic, not Fangirl Izumi from 'ITF'!" the herm exclaimed, but her wolf ears fluffed with shock when suddenly a cloaked figure appeared.

"Ayame, you speak lies. See, I have taken over Izumi and forced her into fangirl form!" The wolf herm glared and walked away, proceeding to make out with a panther girl with long black hair and dark eyes. Ooh, shoujo-ai...

"Can we do that too?" Kouji asked Takuya with sparkly shoujo eyes, his hands clasped in front of him.

"No, we cannot make out," Takuya said, and scooted away, giving his boyfriend a strange look. "We're not at that stage in our relationship yet!"

"Please turn the page," that random cloaked kid, revealed to be Axel, commanded in that corny all-knowing deep voice that we all know and laugh at (I mean, love), accompanied by a chiming sound that sounded remarkably like a fart. Blame the Where the Wild Things Are DVD for that blooper. Oh, come on, you remember those read-along books you had as a kid! You had one. ...if you had one, we'll turn the page and show you a preview of Kouji and Takuya Make-Out, part three. No, I am not sinking to bribery. Whatever are you

Kouji pounced his poor unsuspecting Takuya and mauled him in a way that would threaten Kanaye Segador's status as Make-Out Initiator King. Where'd that come from? Ah well. See, you DID have one of those read-along books! I KNEW IT! You cannot deny it! Just like you cannot deny how Kouji just... felt Takuya up. Wait, Takuya's a girl!

"Well, either that or he's in a skirt," a leopard anthro wearing a Life is Good shirt said with a shrug.

"Heh heh... drag," a falcon said, sitting on a marble bust of Junpei. Don't you hate it when the author/authoress puts him/herself in his/her fanfictions? It's almost like they're a dreaded MARY SUE! Or GARY STU! Watch how Solange tortures you with her sadism! Which she leased from Tobias kitty. This is why Tobias kitty has no sexy smirking side left, and his Purring Fit track is stuck on repeat. AHAHAHA, inside OC joke!

"Let's get back to us," Takuya butted in, waving his hands frantically from underneath Kouji's body. You see, he's pinned to the floor, giving the black-haired one plenty of time to grope his—WHOA THERE! Grope his nose. Yes. That's why censoring is fun – you can stick whatever you like in the blank sections. "Isn't this fic supposed to have a plot? Besides me and Kouji loving on each other in every possible way."

"Meh..." the falcon pouted, and sent a bolt of energy at Kouji's head. She then flapped off into the clouds of pink bubbles created by overly romantic anime scenes. She was then suffocated by their sweetness and died. See what too much fluff does to you? For shame.

Kouji's head shot up, which caused Takuya and Fangirl Izumi to pout at the same time.

"Why'd you stop?" the brunette whined, and tried to erase his withdrawal by snuggling with his koi.

"Because I killed people in bed in a hot spring," the blue-eyed one replied, a strange possessed look in his eyes.

"YOU CHEATED ON ME! I'll never wear this skirt again! Forget sexual favors! We're OVER!" Takuya screeched.

"...you mean... you're dumping me?"

"No, silly. I was dumping the sexual favors." Takuya nodded, and clung to his sexy boyfriend. We wonder why he completely ignored the part about killing people... Kouji exhaled loudly and relief, and started laughing nervously. This led to twitching, and finally he asked, "...Why does my toenail tingle?"

Soubi, who had been standing aside from the group, gave one of his creepy but oh-so-cute smiles.

"Because Ritsuka pierced it," he informed Kouji.

"…Why are you here?" Takuya asked him, brow furrowed. "Were you watching us?"

"Yes. I'm a shota fan. Why else would I put the moves on a twelve-year-old boy and frequently try to take his ears in the SD theatre?"

"Because... uh... you have some minor problems. Yeah, _minor_. But don't worry, you're redeemed – in fanfictions, Ritsuka is often sixteen or eighteen. That's why Solange can read the yaoi ones without feeling guilty," the brunette explained, patting the blonde's head.

Soubi got a nosebleed at this image. It has nothing to do with the fact that a young Takuya is patting him. Seriously. The blood formed yet another plothole, and Takuya and Kouji dropped through it, wondering why "Twisted Transistor" was blaring when they fell through particularly dark areas. Why only those two and no one else? Two words: plot device. Ooh, a plot device inside a plot hole inside a plot hole! Heh heh, sounds like fun. Anyone up for a fic request?

Kouji and Takuya landed on top of one each other.

"Can we make out now?" the taller one asked, but Takuya shoved the older one off so he could look around. Spotting a white rabbit with angel wings, he pointed.

"Kouji, let's follow it!"

Sighing, the black-haired one let his hand be taken and his body dragged after the rabbit. Among other things, they traveled by gondola (captained by a weird dude wearing half a mask who sang something about Phantoms of the Opera and someone named Miss Daaé incessantly, causing the few Phantom/Raoul fans to fall over dead), over a rainbow farted by a guinea pig who takes pleasure in tipping his food dish over and driving Solange nuts, and by way of pegasus with lots of My Little Ponies and Fantasy Fillies that were actually video games in disguise in her saddlebags. This pegasus had one dot eye and a swirly one. BLAME HER! IT'S ALL HER FAULT! Well, not everything...

"What's the use of only having half a mask?" Kouji asked Takuya. They decided to go back and check – when they took it off, the Phantom turned into one of the Lost Children from the Lost Woods from Zelda. You know, one of the ones who dances twenty-four seven and serves no real purpose. GASP! The uselessness thrust Kouji and Takuya back onto the pegasus's back. Why she was still there is anyone's guess.

"Have fun," she said when she had dropped the two off. Flitting off, she tagged a random girl with a name tag that said 'Hello, my name is Save Point' before disappearing into a puddle of mush that was actually her brain. See what too much fluff does to you?

"Hey, it's not my fault! Aside from that one misunderstanding with the oven," a yellow-and-green haired uke hermaphrodite said, dot-eyed, nodding. He was then molested by his seme woman girlfriend. Eee... Takuya and Kouji stared at them, then back at the rabbit, who sweatdropped.

"If you need my help for anything, call me," she said, giving them a business card with 'Nameless: Sanity Studios' typed on it before hopping off into the distance.

"Well, we won't be needed this," Kouji snorted, and tossed it over his shoulder. It accidentally smacked into a pilot with scruffy facial hair, who whipped around angrily. You see, he had been interrupted in a makeout session. That makes people angry. Don't ever interrupt people in makeout sessions. You'll be scarred for life both physically and mentally. Unfortunately, Kouji was out of eyeshot, so all Cid saw was a short boy with braided blonde hair gazing starry-eyed at Roy Mustang.

"Fucker! You interrupted my damn makeout session!" The angry pilot attempted to smack Ed, but he said, "Hey! Your boyfriend stole my arm!"

Said boyfriend, Vincent Valentine, gave the younger one an odd look. "Your arm is silver, mine is gold. I didn't steal it."

"Yeah, shorty. Go away." Cid turned his back on a screaming Ed, who was mostly saying 'I'm not short!' and 'This fic is on crack anyway!' His anger magically transformed him into a hurricane, but sadly, he didn't even make it to a Category Two. Too small, you see. He wasn't quite big enough to cause any damage. But the attempt on Vincent's life nonetheless angered him, and he and Ed became locked into a never-ending battle: silver versus gold. Tall versus short. Hey, good things come in small packages, right? Ignore that blue woman giving a cough that sounds oddly like "bullshit."

Kouji rolled his eyes and dragged Takuya on. He was determined to give this fic a plot! Aww, isn't he cute? Let's pinch his cheeks and squeal over how innocent and naïve he is. Okay, maybe not. Takuya, stop glaring at nothing. Air can't pinch cheeks. ...What? It can't! Stop giving me that look!

Said air solidified into a pegasus demoness by the name of Lamis. Claiming underdevelopment, her wings turned solid and she poofed away. Kouji and Takuya followed the dust caused by her disappearance, and somehow were transported to a hotspring.

"This hotspring has a doorbell?" Kouji raised a brow at it, befuddled. "Why the hell are we even AT a hotspring?"

"Because I wanted to figure out what a bed is doing in one," Takuya said, smiling. Kouji can't resist that smile. That's why he's mauling poor Takuya in the middle of nowhere, and that's why multiple fangirls are taking pictures. That pegasus with the dot and swirly eyes needs to go away. THE FIC IS ALMOST OVER! GET OFF ME! SEE, I'M WRITING IT!

"All resistance is futile," a drone-like voice said, and Takuya blinked over at the speaker. She was apparently their hostess. She wore a kimono, and had fox ears and a tail. Not too far from her stood a pale, very tall man with long white hair and red eyes. When the hostess spotted him, she gave a squeal that sounded like "Maaaaalachai!" before glomping him. Wow, her voice got higher very quickly...

"Since she's incapacitated, I'll take care of you guys," said a boy with long pink hair in a ponytail, and slightly lighter pink eyes.

"Are you an albino?" Takuya said, staring at him with dot eyes.

"My name is Sunao, and I caught you a delicious bass. Come, soldiers, I'll take you to the mess hall." A random military march started playing, and Sora Hashiba tossed his VERY Special Friend some fatigues. The pink-haired boy donned them, and Takuya and Kouji knew by now that it was best to follow. Like he'd said, all resistance was futile. The mess hall was crowded with soldiers, all in their uniforms.

"Privates! What does A equal?"

"Aly and Aby, sir!" the throng chorused, giving a salute.

"NO! It's part of the Pythagorean Theorem! God! Friggin' idiot!" Sunao roared.

"Stop with the Napolean Dynamite jokes, sir!" the crowd screamed back. This caused a mass riot, resulting in the murder of the fatigues. This left everyone naked. Kouji and Takuya, horrified by the carnage, rushed away into the wild blue yonder. Yonder seemed to be a place of joy, if you judged by the happy bunnies and dancing flowers. These flowers gave Takuya allergies, and he started coughing up plushies. You see what too much fluff does to you? Shaking his head, Kouji brought Takuya to his bed. In the middle of a hot spring.

"So that's why... there's a bed here..." Takuya rasped, his throat made sore by a particularly big Sephiroth sword plushie.

"Yes..." Kouji whispered, and pushed 'play' on a CD player. Sap music flowed out, and as it reached a crescendo, he admitted, "It was so I could watch No No Namine without commercial breaks."

The two shared a last kiss and a cabbit raped Kouji's bandanna, then the CD went onto its next track, which was some random hyper crap that no one listens to. Takuya sprang up, fully healed, and declared a trip to the future. Why? So Digimon Savers would have Koukuya. But first, they had a final makeout session sponsored by Tobima International. You see what too much fluff does to you?

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A/N: Yeah, I know. Suckage. This is not a crack fic. This is a what-the-hell-was-that-about fic. Whatever. Review. If you didn't drown in the crappiness. 


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